Be Kind To Yourself: Why Self Compassion Matters More Than You Think

Introduction

You know how it is when a mother is carrying her small baby and the baby stumbles while trying to walk. That mother will not shout at the child or call the child useless. No. She will pick the child up gently, wipe the tears, and say "try again my dear, you are doing well." That same gentleness the mother gives to her toddler is exactly the gentleness many of us refuse to give to ourselves.

What are your aspirations in life?

To be wealthy, famous, to have an awesome home, wonderful relationship or to be happy?

How do you feel when your set goals and aspirations seem far fetched?

I remember a friend of mine, a very hardworking young woman, who used to cry herself to sleep every time her business struggled while her mates were posting flashy pictures online. She felt like life had passed her by. She used to tell me "I don close finish, my life don spoil." But today, that same woman runs one of the most respected catering services in her area. The only thing that changed was that she stopped beating herself up and learned to be patient and kind with her own journey.

No matter how you feel, do not ever forget that you are trying. In so far as you are making effort.

Table of Contents

1. What Research Says About Being Kind To Yourself
2. Why We Are So Hard On Ourselves
3. Be Kind And Nice To Yourself
4. Whose Standard Are You Even Chasing
5. Practical Things To Do
6. Count Your Blessings
7. Key Takeaways
8. Frequently Asked Questions
9. Sources

What Research Says About Being Kind To Yourself

This is not one of those things people just talk about because it sounds nice. Scientists have actually studied this thing extensively, and what they found should encourage all of us.

Kristin Neff, a leading psychologist in this field at the University of Texas, has spent years researching what she calls self compassion, and her findings show that people who are kinder to themselves are less likely to experience anxiety, stress, and depression. 

In her comprehensive 2023 review published in the Annual Review of Psychology, Neff explains that self compassion involves three simple things, treating yourself with kindness instead of harsh judgment when you fail, remembering that struggle is part of being human and not something that singles you out, and being mindful of your pain without drowning in it or pretending it does not exist.

What is even more interesting is that researchers have found self compassion offers something that plain self esteem cannot give you. In a study Neff conducted with her colleagues, participants who were asked to describe their greatest weakness in a mock job interview showed less anxiety afterward if they scored high in self compassion, but simply having high self esteem did not offer the same protection. 

In other words, loving yourself only when things are going well is not enough. You need to learn how to be gentle with yourself even when things are not going well, especially when things are not going well.

A separate systematic review found strong evidence linking self compassion with lower rates of suicidal thinking and self harm, while other meta analyses have shown that self compassion practices reduce symptoms of PTSD, eating struggles, and body image concerns with meaningful, measurable effect. 

Scientific American also reported that newly divorced people who spoke to themselves with compassion during their difficult season recovered emotionally much faster than those who were harsh on themselves.

So you see, this thing our grandmothers used to tell us, "no vex for yourself," is now something psychologists all over the world are confirming with proper research.

Why We Are So Hard On Ourselves

To weather any storm in life, one needs to believe one's gut. Most often we weigh ourselves down probably because we think we have not lived up to the required standard.

The standard set by no other persons, the society or perhaps family and friends.

I want you to sit down and think about this for a moment. Who set that standard you are torturing yourself over? 

Is it God? Or is it that auntie at the family meeting who keeps comparing you to her own children? Is it that childhood friend flexing his new car on social media while you are still finding your feet? Many of us are running a race that somebody else designed, chasing a finish line drawn by people who have no idea what our own journey actually looks like.

Be Kind And Nice To Yourself

Be kind and nice to yourself, stop beating yourself up over what seemed to be failed attempts.

Encourage yourself, remind yourself you are doing just fine. Speak back to those inner voices trying so hard to discourage you.

I like to call that inner voice "the mosquito wey no dey rest." It will buzz in your ear at midnight telling you that you are a failure, that your mates have gone ahead of you, that you will never amount to anything. 

But just like you slap a mosquito that refuses to let you sleep, you must learn to slap down that discouraging voice too. Speak back to it. Tell it, "shebi you don finish? Because I am not finished. I am still trying."

Neff's research specifically recommends this exact approach. She advises people to shift their perspective by thinking about how they would speak to a good friend going through the same situation, and then practice offering themselves that same tenderness. Most of us would never speak to a struggling friend the way we speak to ourselves in our own heads. If your friend failed an exam, you would not tell her she is useless. You would encourage her. Learn to do the same for yourself.

Whose Standard Are You Even Chasing

Do the following.

• 
  
• Take a break.
• Take yourself out.
• Just give yourself a treat.
• Be kind and nice to yourself.
• Do you know why all these are important?
• Taking a time off helps bring out the best in you. It energizes you to do more, to pick up from where you stopped.

In addition, it gives you time to count your blessings.

You know, back home we say "una no dey rest at all, even fowl dey rest for night." Meaning even the chicken knows when to stop scratching the ground and go and rest. If a bird understands the wisdom of rest, why do we human beings, made in the image of God, keep pushing ourselves until we break down? Taking a break is not laziness. It is wisdom.

• Count Your Blessings
• 
  
• Be kind to yourself.
• 
  
• For no matter how shattered your life may seem, there are lots and lots of good things to be grateful for.
• 
  
• The breath you take each moment, your sight, your speech, your family, the fact that you can eat, and to crown it all, your life, because your life is worth more than silver and gold.
• 
  
• Learn to be kind to yourself my dear.

I always remember my late father telling me, "as long as you wake up and hear cock crow, God is still working something out for you." Many people did not wake up this morning. 

Many people are lying on hospital beds right now, unable to walk, unable to speak, unable to hold their own children. If you are reading this and you can see the words, if you can breathe without struggling, if you have people who love you even in your imperfect state, then you already have more than enough reason to be gentle with yourself today.

Key Takeaways

Your aspirations, whether wealth, fame, a beautiful home, love, or plain happiness, are valid, but the pace at which you reach them does not determine your worth as a person.

Modern psychological research from experts like Kristin Neff confirms that self compassion, not harsh self criticism, is what actually produces resilience, lower anxiety, and better emotional recovery from setbacks.

Much of the pressure we feel comes from standards set by other people, family, society, or comparison culture, rather than standards God Himself has placed on our lives.

Practical acts like taking a break, treating yourself, and speaking kindly to your inner self are not signs of weakness but proven ways to recharge and perform better going forward.

Gratitude for the small, ordinary things, your breath, your sight, your family, your life itself, is one of the fastest ways to shift your heart from self criticism to self kindness.

Frequently Asked Questions

1. Is being kind to yourself the same as being lazy or making excuses?

 No, and this is an important distinction. Self compassion is not self indulgence or an excuse to stop trying. Research by Kristin Neff shows that self compassion actually helps people bounce back faster from failure and try again, while harsh self criticism often leads to avoidance, fear, and giving up altogether.

2. Why do I feel guilty whenever I try to rest or treat myself? 

This guilt often comes from years of internalizing the belief that your worth is tied to constant productivity. Many people who grew up in strict or high pressure environments struggle with this. Learning to rest without guilt is a skill that takes deliberate, repeated practice, much like learning any new habit.

3. How is self compassion different from self esteem? 

Self esteem is based on evaluating yourself positively, often by comparing yourself to others. Self compassion is different because it does not depend on comparison or performance. Research shows self compassion offers similar wellbeing benefits as self esteem but without the downsides like defensiveness or the need to feel superior to others.

4. What are some practical daily habits to build self compassion?

 Experts recommend simple practices such as speaking to yourself the way you would speak to a close friend, placing your hand over your heart during stressful moments as a form of physical comfort, taking regular breaks, and consciously listing things you are grateful for, even small ones like your health or your family.

5. Can being too hard on myself actually affect my physical health? 

Yes. Research shows that chronic self criticism can elevate cortisol levels and blood pressure over time, and has been linked to higher rates of anxiety, depression, and even sleep and eating disorders. Being kind to yourself is not just an emotional exercise, it has real, measurable effects on your body as well.

6. How do I stop comparing myself to other people's success? 

Start by recognizing that social media and public appearances often show only the highlights of someone's journey, not their struggles. Try limiting how much time you spend consuming content that triggers comparison, and instead spend that energy tracking your own personal growth and progress over time.

7. Is it biblical or spiritually sound to be kind to yourself? 

Many faith traditions teach that human life carries inherent value and dignity, worth more than material wealth. Being gentle with yourself while you grow and make mistakes is consistent with recognizing that value, rather than being a purely secular or self centered idea.

Conclusion

My dear, life is not a sprint where the person who reaches first wins the crown. It is more like a long journey on a bumpy village road, full of potholes, sudden rain, and unexpected detours, but the destination is still ahead for everybody who keeps moving, no matter how slowly. Do not let the noise of comparison steal your joy today.

Be kind to yourself. Encourage yourself daily. Rest when you need to. Treat yourself once in a while. And most importantly, never forget to count the blessings that are already sitting right in front of you, your breath, your family, your life itself. That alone is worth more than silver and gold.

Sources

• Neff, K.D. (2023). Self Compassion, Theory, Method, Research, and Intervention. Annual Review of Psychology, 74, 193 to 218. https://www.annualreviews.org/content/journals/10.1146/annurev-psych-032420-031047
• University of Rochester Medical Center, Behavioral Health Partners (2025). Self Compassion and Your Mental Health. https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/behavioral-health-partners/bhp-blog/february-2025/self-compassion-and-your-mental-health
• Mindful.org. The Transformative Effects of Mindful Self Compassion. https://www.mindful.org/the-transformative-effects-of-mindful-self-compassion/
• Scientific American. Self Compassion Fosters Mental Health. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/self-compassion-fosters-mental-health/
• Neff, K.D. Self Compassion, Self Esteem, and Well Being. https://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/publications/SC_SE_Well_being.pdf

This article reflects personal encouragement and general wellbeing guidance supported by psychological research. It is not a substitute for professional counseling. If you are struggling with persistent sadness, hopelessness, or thoughts of self harm, please reach out to a licensed mental health professional or a trusted crisis support service in your area.